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This is just a fucking favorite!

She’s just to freakin hilarious. She truly says “That is one crazy bitch!” I won’t tell you who she’s talking about because that’d ruin it for you.

Last night, the old man and I, with another couple, went all the way to Bradford, Ohio (i.e. Bumfuck Nowhere!!) for their annual Bradford Pumpkin Show. Now, I’d called my parents to see if they’d ever been and was assured that it was one of the larger festivals in the area, that they’d always enjoyed it, lots of fun, blah blah.

One of the gimmicks for the festival is that one of the local charities sells bags of confetti, which everyone then throws all over each other. (The fact that the festival even has a No Confetti Night should have been my first clue that this wasn’t going to be the best of times!)

The result is several days (if not weeks) of cleaning up the confetti. But that wasn’t my problem with the festival. The confetti concept has been going on so long now that by the end of our stroll through the festival, I felt like I’d walked down a beach. The confetti on the ground was that thick. Once again though, that wasn’t my problem. IN THEORY, the confetti throwing is a wonderful idea… everyone having fun, lots of pretty confetti like snow in the air and sand on the beach, etc etc.

The problem: 94% of the “people” (and I use that term very loosely) at the festival were 1) of the average age of 16-17 years old; 2) ignorant, backwards redneck hillbillies (and I’ll never understand why anyone would think being a redneck hillbilly is something to be proud of! I come from a whole family of them and I just don’t get why it’s now “the in thing” to be raging proud of the fact that you’re ignorant, backwards, socially inept and rude!); 3) throwing confetti with all their strength directly at people, particularly at their face. No, I’m wrong… they weren’t throwing confetti, they were hurling it like a baseball.

The remaining 5% of the people: 1% were old people that were under the same delusion that I was, that it would be a fun little festival; .04% represents the four of us; and the remaining 4.96% were the redneck hillbilly parents of the ignorant rude hillbilly children.

You wouldn’t think confetti would be painful would you? Well, I’m living proof that it is! That shit hurts!

To add insult to injury, just like every other “festival” I’ve been to in the past few years (The Sweetcorn Festival, Popcorn Festival, Sugarmaple Festival…) the theme of the festival -pumpkins- was barely made known. When I go to a PUMPKIN festival, I expect to see a goddamn ballgown made out of pumpkins! When I go to a POPCORN festival, I expect there to be popcorn falling from the fucking sky! But no, last night, there was a small vendor selling pumpkin ice cream, someone selling “pumpkin donuts” (probably bought at the local Kroger) and a farmer with a few pitiful pumpkins. The rest of the place was nothing but nasty food, deep fried until the taste was gone (and trust me, I am a fan of deep frying, when done right), cheap gaudy junk and a few carnival rides. Oh, and I forgot, a cheap wooden tree display with pumpkins sitting on it, of the type that you’d see sitting on the side of the road at some farm selling pumpkins for Halloween.

Finally, while strolling through the festival (which we only did twice, once up the street, once back down heading for the car), I was called a faggot a grand total of four times - that I heard, although I’m sure there were more - and yes, I was dressed appropriately (jeans, polo, hooded sweater) and not like a screaming sissy. (Before any of you say one word, yes, I also realize that regardless of what I’m wearing, I still just have “that look” that brings the word fag to the lips of every suppressed closeted redneck highschool boy.)

So, in essence, SKIP the Bradford Pumpkin Festival.

Let us pray that the Circleville Pumpkin Festival, which I took time off of work to go to, will be better. (I’m betting it will as we’re going during the day on a Thursday that is also a school day, which means no screaming brats and better yet no annoying fucking highschool herds roaming the streets polluting it with their angst and over-blown hormones raging.)